The Reign of The Chia Pets
by Vigilante
Summary: Post apocolyptic world where Chia Pets reign. Story of the Human's battle for survival.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my toothbrush.......can I borrow some toothpaste?

The Future of Chia Pets

Chapter I

With the evolution of chemical fertilizers, came the consequences worse than anyone had ever thought possible. The Reign of The Chia Pets is here. Early in the war, the Chia Pets gained the ally of Cardboard. This enabled them to mass produce themselves even faster than before. Then the day came...when they turned on humans. They feasted on humans for the water the contained in their bodies. Within five years the human race was forced into hiding, living is subterranean shelters. The whole of humanity relied on the hope that the Chia Pets would die of starvation........

Inside a dark concrete and steel bunker, wedged into the soil of the least desired realty on the planet, sit two men. Ones who would change the fate of the world, in due time. "I'll never forget that day", Jacob, a relatively tall, brown haired man with intriguing gold speckled eyes, states. His words seemed to permeate the walls, launched into the atmosphere by his commanding tones, "when the whole world turned upside down...I could tell it would happen......they all called me crazy."He rested his leg on a rock, flinching as he brushed against a cut in his leg that was mostly healed, but it was still quite painful. It was a gift from a particularly feisty Chia pet. "What do you mean?" His companion asked curiously, running a hand through his blonde hair that he could never manage to get tidy, while he sharpened his spear idly.

"Didn't you see the hints? The hidden signs?"

"No", came the reply

"Ugh…at first it was the Chia growing sponge...it was this cardboard-like growing medium....If only we would have thought about something other than perpetuating the laziness of humanity," Mumbled Jacob. "We used so many chemicals to make it grow faster, that it mutated the plant....If only they could have been more patient, then we wouldn't be in this mess. But that's not the way of the humans, is it?" Jacob added coldly. Phil just sat there, listening to his friend fume, as he often did... He had known Jacob for a long time...since before the beasts killed his family.

That had changed Jacob. Phil knew that he had never been the same after that. He was never mentally sound, but after the mass killing of his family and friends, he seemed to snap. Phil figured that he may be the same way if he saw the things that Jacob saw. Once he asked Jacob what he saw that day, and he always would regret it. "It was Tuesday," recalled Jacob, "when I came to school....those beasts had massacred hundreds of my fellow students. Even the teachers...torn apart by those evil creatures.....I made my way through the gore and the bodies....I made my way to the double-doors. I could hardly see through the fog in the glass. When I came in, it was worse than it was outside. I managed to find and unite the survivors, and we all made our way to a safe place. "Phil often asked him where this 'Safe Place' was, but he only replied "I can't tell ya, I made a promise with someone that I wouldn't"

"Our only saving grace is this Spandex clothing...it shields us from the tendrils of the CP's. Their vines can't get through the tight weaving to get in our flesh." Jacob shuddered at the remembrance of his old friend, Chance, being ripped apart from the inside, those tendrils splitting the skin all over his body. After that, he would not make friends so easily, they die too fast.....Phil was one of his few friends. "We better get going", commented Jacob, almost startled by his own voice. "It's getting dark, we should go hunt, were out of Spam Hot-pockets, not that I thought it'd last very long." They had been eating the horrible hot-pockets since they got there, and had needed to hunt for a couple of days now. Phil grabbed his spear and was getting his vest on when Jacob walked in with a 12 gauge shotgun. Phil arched a brow at Jacob, glancing down at his spear, slightly peeved now. "Where'd ya git' that? An' why do I gotta have a pointy stick!?" Jacob glances at Phil, chuckling slightly while shaking his head. "I took a swing down by my place, and got this gun. As to why you have that pointy stick, well, it's just funner to kill em' with melee weapons...More of a rush. Now, if you ain't got any more complaints, you ready?" inquired Jacob, anxious to get out in the fresh air. Phil grinned slightly, for it had been a little fun using his spear... "Yeah, you're pretty eager for some killin' aint'ya?" It was more of an observation than a question. "Let's go kill something...." Jacob walked through the door of the shelter for the first time in weeks, with his gun slung over his shoulder. Phil smirked as the sight of him, 'this guy is crazy' he thought to himself, 'but I wouldn't trust anyone more in that world out there...who better to have at your side than a man said by many to be "the greatest leader on this world"?

The two men walked cautiously out into the world; with Jacob leading the way, and Phil close behind. Jacob made a joke to a scarecrow that sat on a post, marking the entrance to the shelter. "Just our friendly neighborhood Spiderman, right?" When he looked out to the fields, his mood changed dramatically. Off in the distance he could see a Chia Pet, but why wasn't it smaller? It was way out there...Then Jacob realized that it was smaller.....up close this one must have been the biggest Chia Pet he had ever seen! Standing at least five stories, and nearly as long and wide as a football field!

"Dang......that ones bigger than I last remember it....." Jacob said coolly. "It'll be fun trying to kill that one...Heh"

Suddenly a thought occurred to Phil, "While were out, why don't we find a car?"

"I have a car.....Heheh...oh yeah....we got a car!"

"I don't see one"

"Just follow me....We can use my 'car'"

"Oook....lets go then"

They hiked for about 3 hours, occasionally having to duck under cover as groups of Chia Pets passed by. The eventually came upon an old beat up trailer, the kind that you drive around. When they got to the big metal piece of junk, Phil was puzzled. "I don't see a car."

"That because you're not looking in the right direction...."Jacob commented, picking crowbar off the ground.

Phil spun around, and still did not see a car.

"Still no car....."

"Look down"

Below them was an old grate, covered in grass.

"That's your car?" remarked Phil jokingly.

"Let's go." Jacob ordered, pulling up the grate with the crowbar.

Jacob entered through the hole into a gray hallway, intruiged slightly by the incredible number of War World II posters and spy cameras that dotted the walls of the hall.

Phil wasn't sure about this, but he followed anyway.

At about every ten feet, they had to stop for Jacob to peel back a WWII poster to punch in a six or eight digit security codes in various ports.

"Turns off the security beams", Jacob explained at about the third port.

"How many are there?" wondered Phil

"I installed all of them myself...there's about 30 beams placed at various heights."

"Isn't that a bit much?"

"No." answered Jacob flatly

'This guy IS crazy...' thought Phil

After a while they reached a big metal door, which to Phil, looked like it could withstand a tank.

Jacob typed about eight different codes into the terminal and the door unlocked with a resounding "Click"

As the door opened, they could feel the air rush in around them, a tell-tale sign that it had been many years since that door had opened.

"Huh...guess it's been a while since I last came in here..."

Phil looked inside and his heart skipped a few beats at what he saw.

They were in a small little room lined with shelves of ammo, guns and various blades and bludgeons.

But what caught Phil's eye was the Chrysler Imperial in the center of the room.

Phil almost asked how he got it in there, but then saw the large metal doors on the opposite side of the room.

"THIS is my car..." Jacob proclaimed proudly.

"So, what can this thing do?"

"Well, it ain't the fastest, but it's built like a tank." Jacob said, affectionately kicking the side of the car.

"What are all these slots?"

"That's the best part." Jacob reached in the driver side window and turned the key.

Immediately the slots opened and various guns came out. Phil's eyes doubled in size as they set on the Browning M2 that was currently mounted where the trunk used to be.

A seat was present, hooked up to the gun with several bars, including one bolted to the bottom, and the whole thing was mounted onto a revolving pole, which was heavily bolted into the trunk, allowing 360 degrees movement.

. On the outside of the unit, pioneer tools-an axe, shovel, and pick-were strapped under each door with canvas or leather straps. Each rear fender had a cabinet with a lid over it for storing ammunition, section tools, and spare parts. Each Triplex bullet proof window was equipped with a Kevlar curtain for increased protection. The hub caps were out cropped with the outside increased in diameter and covered in a thick sheet of Kevlar to increase protection for the already bullet-proof tires. The passenger side roof was partially cut away to make room for a dash-mounted M249 automatic support weapon. On the hood, two mounted Tommy Guns were bolted facing straight forward with the drum magazines hidden under the hood and each had a compartment with plenty of drums of ammo over the tires.

"Sweet!" Phil praised, impressed by the creation of the gun-crazed grease-monkey.

"Yup, and wait till ya see what I got in mind for that particularly large Chia Pet. Jacob pulled off a key of some sort he wore around his neck and walked across the room to a large cabinet and unlocked it. From the cabinet he retrieved several ammo crates, which he placed on the trunk of the car. He motioned for Phil to look, and opened them to reveal what looked a stack of bricks covered in brown paper. Upon closer inspection, Phil saw that the paper read "Semtex" in bold black lettering. He gives Jacob an inquisitive look. Jacob grins, stating proudly, "It's Semtex. There's enough Plastique there to reduce three city blocks to rubble, mate."

Yeah...well this is me first chapter of me first story.....so if'n ya don't like it, too bad. I shall post my second chappie up soon, as I am currently doing the final touches. Please read and review, so that I can see how bad and/or how good it is. Just tell me what I should do to improve, and ill see what I kin do. Tacos out! One more thing.

Walk softly and carry a big stick.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own everything in this story except everything  
  
Chapter II  
  
"Where did you get that!?" Phil asked in amazement. "I know a guy.." Jacob said, opening the box carefully. Inside was a dark green cone with a bright yellow ring located near the tip. The cone was about three feet long, so there was about a 2 foot space that could be used for storage. Jacob packed in ammo and some guns so that it was filled to the brink with weaponry. They put the box on the floor and strapped it in with some straps that were bolted into the floor for it. Above the box were shelves and racks built into where the seats would be. When they had sufficiently packed the storage room, they decided to get ready to leave. Jacob turned on the radio without thinking about it, and on came this odd sounding man who started talking after a peculiar sounding song where it seemed all the words were 'let the bodies hit the floor!'. "Hello listeners, I'm Jarred the Dj and I would just like to say that I'm bored as a pimp in a gay bar and if anybody is out there, please come get me out of here!" He then stated his location, and both Phil and Jacob knew they had to find him.   
  
"Let's go!" Jacob said eagerly, wanting to drive his beloved creation."Get in the back, you're gonna be the gunner." Jacob told Phil with a smirk. "Oh, and strap in tight..." Phil gingerly sat down in the gunner seat and strapped himself in. Jacob, in the driver seat, tapped the button on his keys to open the doors."Ahh...the small things in life..." Jacob said to himself with a chuckle."You know how to use that thing?" He asked Phil, seeing him look at the Browning incredulously. "I'll manage.." Phil grasped the handles and, eyeing the trigger, figured he'd just try it out once they were out on the road... Jacob backed out of the door and they found himself in a wide underground road. Jacob drove them down the dark, concrete gray lane, being only able to see with the headlights. "Hold on tight!" Jacob cried over the roar of the V6, Pushing the gas pedal to the floor. "Where does this lead to?" Phil asked, turning the gun to see ahead. "Nothing, well, actually its nothing that happens to be about 20 feet above highway 72."  
  
"What do you mean? Are we gonna go airborne?"   
  
"Yup" Jacob said, preparing for the jump.  
  
Phil barely had time to tighten his belts when he felt the unmistakable feeling of flight.The Imperial flew out of the tunnel with a slight "flip". It must have been only a few seconds, but it felt like minutes to the men. The car hit the ground with a horrible impact, sending sparks and pieces of metal flying behind them. 'works better in the movies..' Jacob thought to himself.  
  
"What do you say we hit the first junk yard we see? I think that hurt more than i thought.."  
  
Phil grimaced at the sight of the pieces of metal flying in their wake.  
  
They made their way to the place Jarred specified, Phil loading any Chia Pet unfortunate enough to cross their pass full of bullets. Before long, Phil was pretty good with the browning.As they neared the station, they had to manuever through a myriad of crashed vehicles scattered across the barren metropolis. The station was just a meager little hole- in-the-wall store packed into small plaza. Jacob wondered how this place actually worked, for it looked like a nuke had hit it. The men waded through the junk that filled the store, to the back where a motley door stood, looking as if it would fall over any minute on its own. "Think anyone's home?" Phil asked, wondering if they had the wrong directions.Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a man appeared in front of them. Jacob looked up, seeing a hole in the ceiling, and figured he had came from there. "Huh....did you hear the radio call? I had been playing that recording for weeks now, and I am almost out of food."   
  
"We ain't got no food ah'selves..." Phil remarked.  
  
"Can you use a gun?" Jacob asked, ignoring Phil's complaint.  
  
"Well, I was a gunner on a B-17. I got plenty of training for it... I kept the .50 cal I used on the plane after it crashed....why?"  
  
"You still have it? can I see it?"asked Jacob, an idea sprouting in his head.  
  
"Yeah, I guess....why not?"  
  
Jarred led them into another room and kicked away some junk on the floor, clearing a large wooden trap door. He grabbed the ring handles and pulled the door open, revealing a large metal box, painted in military camo. They hauled the box out,set it on a table and,turning on the light, opened it.Inside was a large black gun, with its barrel shooting out about five or six feet. Jacob searched around the gun and quickly found the mounting apparatus built for it. "I've always wanted one of these on my baby.... You say your trained with this?" "Sure am....had about 3 years training with it...didn't see much action though..."  
  
"Would you come with us? I'd like to mount this on my car, its a 1967 Chrysler Imperial, and this would fit perfectly....in the back...."  
  
"Sure...If you can get this on your car, I'll shoot it."  
  
They all went back outside, and spent about 6 hours taking the browning down and putting the .50 cal in its place. "You got some kinda car here..." Jarred said when he saw it, but after that, he didn't seem too impressed. After that job was done, they took off the M249 and put the Browning where it used to be. "Now, what do you call this vehicle?"Jarred asked. In truth, they hadn't really thought up a name for it yet...."How about......Valkyrie's Fury?" Jarred suggested. "Sounds good!" both men said simultaneously. "Why don't we go look for food?" asked Jarred.  
  
"Yeah..I haven't seen an animal anywhere....How about a grocery store?" Phil suggested.  
  
"Good idea...Lets go!" Jacob said, with a sudden shout.  
  
It didn't take long to find a Jiffy Lube, which was even better than a grocery store to Jacob.  
  
"You guys go find some food,nothing perishable, and I'll gass up Valkyrie." After collecting some food,Phil and Jarred approached Jacob,who had just finished filling up the tank."Now what?" Jarred inquired.   
  
"Yeah,now what do we do?" questioned Phil.  
  
After giving it some considerable thought, a wry smirk flashed across Jacob's face, and Phil thought he saw something peculiar in his eyes, but a moment later it was gone.  
  
"Let's go for a ride!"  
  
"Good idea," Jarred remarked,"I think I saw an auto-repair shop down the road..."  
  
They made it to the shop without incident, and, though the building was in a shambles, they found most of the parts they needed. This surprised Jacob, for he knew how hard it was to get those parts, until he saw a sign reading"Antique Car Parts Available." 'Heh,' thought Jacob,'How convenient...' It took nearly six hours,much longer than they had thought it would, to fix up the car.When they were finally done, it was late in the afternoon.   
  
"Ya reckon we aught ta' find a place to crash?" Phil asked, a little worried about sleeping in the open. "Sure thing,Phil."Jacob commented."But where?"  
  
"If my memory serves, then there should be an old inn down the road thats been converted into a computer shop. Maybe we could use the old inn's rooms?" Jarred suggested, proud that his memory was actually useful for once."Then it's settled! To the inn."Jacob commanded. "If you so much as hit a speed bump going over 5 miles an hour, so help me I'll tear your head off!" Jarred exclaimed, unwilling to have to do the repairs again. "I know, I know!" Jacob urged, for he didn't want to either.They reached the pc shop/ inn in good time, but when they peered into the dimly lit, well kept building, they saw something they had did not expect at all to see.  
  
To their amazement, a woman was sitting in front of an array of computer monitors, each showing a separate statistic,map,or news broadcast.Phil, unfortunately for him, did not notice her, and walked briskly into the shop, preoccupied with taking off his gloves. He would have asked why they had stopped, but his jaw was suddenly pinned shut from the bottom with the muzzle of an AK-47. "I aughta kill you right now...what were you thinking, barging in her like that!?" The woman was about the same height as Phil, and was well built, her arms easily supporting the weapon currently pressed into his neck below the jaw."Hey,Amy..." Jacob said, waiting for the reaction of the girl."How do you know my......."Amy trailed off at the sight of Jacob."It can't be........Jacob, is that really you? The Overseer said you were dead..."  
  
"You know her?" Phil questioned, gingerly pushing the gun away from his neck, confusion written across his face. As a freaky show of alike minds, both Amy and Jacob turn to Phil, scowling at him simultaneously, and shrug off the the question with a simple"We go back..." They look at each other, grinning at the action, then look back at Phil, synchronously stating"Way back."  
  
Yeah...this is muh 2nd chapter.....updated. plz review, for i donn know if ya read it unless ya do. This is my first story, so i have an excuse if it sucks. DON'T LEAVE BAD JUNK ON MY REVIEW BOARD!!! I worked hard on this story, and i don't appreciate it.  
  
Thank you to those that have read and reviewed it. Keep it up, and I may write faster.......Hint Hint. 


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